Art of curating confusions and dissatisfaction

How internships, early challenges, endless attempts, and failures shaped me!

Are you a graduate with endless dreams but zero plans and infinite confusions. Congrats, you are extremely normal.I swear you are super fine, never doubt yourself anymore.

Let me share with you something brief which could help you widen your thoughts. Stories and advice could take two different forms. One — will tempt you to feel guilty, will make you heavily embarrassed and may eventually turn into your upcoming new year resolution (element of laughter after a few days). The next one — is something foolish, irritating but will directly impact your ego, touch your heart and eventually end up with something probably effective for someone, someday and somehow.

I am a proud loser, hopeless champion and adamant aggregator by nature. Have you ever had a close look at a kid proudly expressing his/her ambition, whispering how they dream and the mystery behind their pillar of confidence they exhibit? Do you think they imply some defined plans, does it mean they have started their preparation right after birth. Not exactly right? It’s just bliss, the difference they dare to dream, they dare to question, they dare to get inspired (this is where everything begins.Same way, get back and try to explore the childish dare in you. Damn, this will make a big difference.

I started, traveled and still love to dwell the same way forever. Infinite search with limitless enhancements and quench of thirst deriving the bliss on the way to curate my confusion and creativity. That’s the reason I dare to choose a path which is mostly annoying, but interesting. That’s how my love for internships, early access and breaking irony behind structured employment started.

When I was in my second year, I dreamt to intern at a product-based, cool enterprise and get placed right away. Not that I will stay cool the rest of my years, I just wished to experiment how fast one could ace up in career. Why there should be so many boundaries to plant something good in us early. I don’t think so. But that’s how things go right? It took me so long to understand this concept. I was trying to convince my state of frustration at one end and pushing myself hard at the other end. When you have early access to something you eventually end up the failure of getting satisfied. I had access to social media and internet boasting day to day IIT guy backs up 1 crore package from Google, MIT scholar makes world record, the heroes in movies becoming CEO in a day just by expressing his idea in an interview panel and this list goes on.

This made me question why only me? Of course, who is stopping you here? I can understand my friend, but it doesn’t imply you are completely free just because no one is here to stop you. Everything needs a push of some kind for sure. My brother told me at his KG period that he wishes to become a software engineer like me :) — And I was like who the hell told you that I am Software developer, but that feels good anyway and worth smiling. I asked him “Good, but why?”. And he was super excited to reply that he loved it. I know he hasn’t developed any world-class software from scratch. What he meant is “My dear brother, I knew something about it for now and I completely trust it, eventually, someone is there to constantly push me in my path by sharing experiences (which would be 60% exaggerated in most cases with our knowledge).

This push, some sort of inspiration, some sort of support is always needed besides your popularity, seniority, and richness.

Never miss to win people — this makes life much easier :) — Sorry that I am too bad at this.

Take 1 — Listening is more powerful.

One simple hack worked for me for a long time was commitments. I used to commit everywhere and anything I fear to begin with. I was grown in such a way respecting promises, care about people’s opinions (anyway this won’t make much sense at present) and wear a badge of honor people gift then and there. Thus making commitments, giving some hope made me push harder towards my mission with slight fear and more energy. But trust me, everything has a limit. When we cross that limit the same will turn completely reverse. That’s what happened to me too. Just like Tamil movies the first half was super awesome, things went as planned. I found a way to express my love, got a stage to showcase my eagerness (definitely it’s not matured to be stated as talent). I was somehow into the community.

But to the surprise, you know what “Never let your excitement cross limits”.That will make you act abnormal, it’s extremely normal for a 2nd-year graduate to feel inferior in a world-class industry, it’s completely ok if people around there (who are super experienced) stand too high to face. This doesn’t make much sense to me at that stage.

I worked hard for 2 years, performed well, balanced to surprise them and won a chance to experience crafting software with those leaders. But, the immaturity in dealing with people, fear of discomfort created a great impact and all turned down. Primarily before I was offered or rejected I felt too bad, hopeless and I knew it’s not the right time to be here. I felt like something has to be done from my end for improvement.

Let me stop with this.No company will offer me a job right in my second year, reserve a seat for me and wait 2 years after that with hope ‘ x ’ will be here someday and he will rock. It truly made some sense but badly took some time.

Trust me, don’t ask me what’s special in this?

I learned a lot. Let me list down the lessons that I learned at this particular stage.

1. Stay grounded — it’s super awesome that I got this chance so earlier, but that doesn’t mean I am qualified to rule the world.
2. Never react all of a sudden — give some time. We are neither that experienced nor that strong to withstand failures for granted.
3. Speak out — no one will just remember you always and not a single achievement will ensure your happiness forever. Keep the same rapport forever.
4. Don’t be biased, sentimental — No organization wishes to be a charity in true sense. They too have deadlines, just like us they too wish not to give money without getting the best worth it.

Not specific to technical aspects, socially also there were good lessons.

Just like any middle-class family, I was advised to stay in my cousin’s house and to no surprise I felt exhausted in just 2 days. I didn’t offend their love but things work this way at this age. I took my luggage with a big lie stating ‘My company offered me a place to stay and it’s super awesome I tried today’.They too accepted but you know what I was staying in Tambaram railway station for 2–3 hours with no idea. Then I competed with my shyness, decided to open up this time. Called one of my brother ( just accompanied him at sports before — the only connection between us). I asked him “Can you help me find me a room here at Chennai? ”. He didn’t reply right away, instead, he hurried to the station, took me with him with zero hesitation. Pretty awesome people, bachelor troop of 4–5 people with stingy cupboards, clothes here and there. (just like any bachelor room you could expect to offer).But one thing to note is they had zero expectations, no prior assumptions on my characters — super awesome to feel.

I learned how to manage to save money, how to cook, how to board trains and buses (believe me I damn bad at it). I managed to respect other’s feelings (lots of lies in eating habits, adjustments with bed spaces and a lot more).

My senior used to advise me if you managed to survive in this college for four years, you will eventually survive anywhere in this world. These are powerful words that you will never realize until you take one such internship like this.

Don’t wait .. just take one but dare to manage it yourself compromising your parent’s love (comforts offered). You will feel the difference in a few days.

Take 2 — There is always something to respect beyond salary in a job.

I do remember one of a senior friend in my hometown who is extremely talented, we everyone love him, good human by nature. I felt like if he tried to get a job, pretty sure he will succeed in an attempt or two. When I enquired about this, he shared one thing. He earlier used to work with an ATM manufacturing company as a technical person ( holding a good salary). Being raised from a diploma followed by engineering background he had good practical knowledge in that field. But he left the job in a few days. I asked him why and he replied ‘There is always something beyond salaries. My seniors hardly knew stuff related to today’s machines but they treat too inferior. They fail to offer basic respect, treat us like slaves. Just because those people were superior to us they shouldn’t take things this granted. We do also have emotions and you know what I am young ( hope you get it).’.This failed to make any sense to me at that time. But later I left a much-awaited offer from a super-strong growing startup. I gave up an interview after several tries, several types of research. It was my first organized technical interview. Hopefully had a great time and things went pretty good this time. Again got an opportunity to experiment with a new workplace and challenging tech stack in a very different manner.

I will later come with the details about my mentors and tech stacks, other experiences briefly.

I was offered 3 months internship chance. I exactly knew it’s impossible to ace it (my college is that confined with these super awesome brand rule :) shit for sure.

But the moment HR approached me, just like the child I was earlier talking about I didn’t think too much I accepted it. I was like let’s ask for 2 months and manage a later month with some medical excuses. But to my surprise, I was given a month hardly. Even then I didn’t let that too easy, I just went with it. I had great learning for a month, completed my tasks ( really challenging ). After a month, I was matured enough to analyze the consequences I would face. So I managed to get out of my comfort zone, speak out this time. I first had words with my mentor, followed by the Product Manager and finally to my friendly HR. They understood my troubles and offered me to continue the rest as Remote intern (ensuring you will get an offer someway at the end).

When the loop reversed back, my PM consoled me with a strange smile that you can. But I was fortunate enough to have such an awesome mentor. It’s his duty to confidential and obey the company’s policies. Despite all those he warned me indirectly, dude you have enough courage and talent. Why don’t you try again after your graduation? It’s completely fine to halt this here. But I was super foolish again that I refused to accept it and told him ‘Please bro, let me try remote. I hope I can manage.’ He respected my feelings but only then the next part came, only then I realized the true sense behind his warning. I was working with the marketing team. They had compelling deadlines, it’s a place where you can survive only if you can speak (and I knew I will fail soon). I was working hard, I had no time to analyze what I am doing, no time to ask feedbacks, I was imposed with tight deadlines and things went this way. At one point I realized my brother from my hometown words. Even I am in a highly promising startup, even though I would get good compelling salary if I made it, it doesn’t mean I should compromise my self-respect, I should grade myself down to less challenging work, I should work in a pace where I hardly get time to look back where I was before.

Always, my friend, there is something beyond salaries. However, I managed to work until the end. But in the end, things worked the way it works there. I don’t want myself to be constrained UI developer dwelling with HTML, CSS only zone. And you know what I hardly open my mouth (which defines granted I am not qualified enough though).

But this was a long journey I would say — nearly 40 days in office and 2 months remote.

Few lessons I learned were,

1. Looks could be deceptive. Don’t get lured by brands, even things seem small now, they might surprise you in upcoming days. Every expert is once a beginner right?
2. I happened to travel a lot, met a lot of new people, managed to understand how the city operates, how people act to our so-called social descriptions.
3. I realized how rude I was to my family, how bad they feel being ignored by my travel. I started to give some time from that time. I managed to speak at least 30 mins daily.
4. Listen to people, no matter how experienced you are, no matter how educated you are, no matter how variant they are words with love and care have some values. Never fail to respect them.

Take 3 — When the whole world goes opposite to you, and if someone is still respecting and standing by your side not only times of success also with failures, don’t lose them. Catch them tight, they could make you push towards making miracles.

One such thing happened to me. Two phrases I hate to the core of this world are,

1. Everything happens for a reason
2. I didn’t expect this from your end

I hate these two a lot, extremely, badly no words to express how much I hate. But to the time being, everyone comes up with the same phrases every time. Life goes this way. Again it’s completely normal. Don’t try to overthink, just go by the way.

But now at this point, if you ask me I would say “Yah, everything happens for a reason.No doubt about it”.What the hell?

Yes, I was completely hopeless, madly applying for jobs, extremely fighting against traditional recruitment patterns. Later I felt dejected.

Art of never giving up and the same child story again, explore that childish damn art of dreaming in you. A random chat over Linkedin changed my entire life. I had a habit of spending time on Linkedin a lot. A lot…I used to view different profiles, get inspired and that’s how I managed to move despite these challenges. I came with a profile like a movie title from Ambattur to America, :) this way..the profile listing hometown as Tirunelveli (to which I too belong to). But graduated from America and working there. His profile was super impressed with lots of certifications and qualifications. One thing I did differently this time is I came out of my comfort zone and expressed my love to him. Just messaged him that ‘Hey brother, your profile looks promising and I am also from the same place you belong to. One day I wish to be the same kind you are now.’ To my surprise, he was genuine that he replied at once and enquired about me a lot. And believe me or not a few minutes of conversation he started to help me. He connected to with good professionals, guided me with opportunities constantly and responded to all my messages since that moment. I felt boosted truly, he changed my view, gave positive energy to try again, fight with spirit and this time with more clarity.

And you know what it was tough but as he said always it worked at the end. I got again an awesome interview opportunity from a rapidly growing fairly new but promising startup. I was super excited at the same time a bit fearful. What if things worked the way before? Can I go through with the challenges again? I made my mind, gave an interview, got selected and things were going smooth, amazing. I had no clues about what is happening at my end.

At this point I want to thank my interviewer Harris bro, he made me feel so comfortable to answer his questions. First time I felt positive that I can also give up interviews in the future.Thanks, brother.

This was completely challenging, new and you know what it was truly impactful (no cinematic enjoyments, a passionate startup that celebrates work).

This time I learned a lot again namely,

1. Practice matters — things might look very difficult at the beginning. It’s completely normal as I said before — you do not know about it, right? And trust me this state of discomfort will push you harder to achieve.
2. Dare to take up challenges — No matter how new the challenges are, no matter how many are behind you to help. Just take up the challenge if it made some sense to you. You will feel comfortable soon.
3. When things are going wrong — you are moving right, just keep the momentum. Trust me, don’t get lured by initial competitors, not all would manage till the end. If you are courageous enough to travel till the end the possibility of winning is more.

It’s time to thank the people behind my learnings. Success is not the only thing to get celebrated. Learnings and failures also worth celebrated :)

I would like to thank my parents first, don’t mistake this a formality — truly I knew how tough it would be to raise one such mental like me.

These people don’t have hierarchy…

1. Rick Rajeleene — Thanks for being with me always without any expectations. I wish each student should get one such mentor in their career at least once.
2. All my friends — I never did any justifications for their care and love.
3. My interviewers and mentors — Deva bro and Manasa sister(sorry for disappointing you both),Harris bro, Magesh Anna, Yoge anna( thanks for being so kind and flexible), Amrith, Shripath bro(simplicity and talent — by nature), Keerthana (thanks for being so kind), Prashanth bro(companion), Aggi George(thanks for trusting and guiding me).
4. All my HR’s — I was so fortunate to get such friendly HRs everywhere.

Swarna Mathiyazhagan — She is the reason for my take 2.Thanks for your endless support. It’s hard to find someone with such flexibility besides holding such responsibility.

Bhuvana Sister - cool and friendly.

This list would go on, but let me stop here and take the rest to the upcoming days.I am damn sure that I won’t stop here.

And if you are someone who hasn’t started yet, please go on. Trust me you will learn a lot besides tech also.

Celebrate learning, not just success!

Update: Thanks for everyone who appreciated my writeup and encouraged me a lot. I am overwhelmed to add a note here that I have accepted the full-time offer followed by my take 3 as Member Technical Staff. Thank you, everyone, who have supported me all through these journeys.